Life and Times of India on the road

This is not a scintiliating insightful article on India's rise in stature among the comity of nations.
This is not even Times of India with "Life and" at the beginning and "on the road" at the end.
This is just a humble driver's guide to conquering traffic on Indian roads.

This guide is an altruistic attempt by this rather charitable blogger to explicitly structure a tacit repository of knowledge that will enable the reader to gain enlightenment on the average scientifically inclined Indian driver's pathbreaking (literally) experiments on the Chaos theory.

Keeping in mind the needs of today's fast food age, this altruistically attempted guide's rather charitable writer has in his bout of extraordinary charity decided to structure this knowledge codification in a mundane highly readable glossary format.

Having done so the rather charitable writer has decided to congratulate ...well the rather charitable writer himself on all that he is going to present below.

Glossary begins: (those cynically inclined can read "rant" in place of "glossary)

Lane: It is a white line on the road on either side of the divider. The driver must accord it the kind of due respect and attention that Tarzan accords the jungle creeper...The line must pass through the centre of the car such that the wheels stradle on either side....Having learnt to do this with perfection, the driver must now learn to make wild swings on either side and swerve and make a clean jump to another lane.

Tempo: It is a three-wheeled vehicle which largely combines India's pacifist history with the Hindu rate of growth. It travels at the leisurely pace of 20 km/hr and moves on what would be thought to be the fast lane in most countries. But if you think at 20 km/hr this mouse bodied elephant hearted phenomenon on wheels is going to be a pure & innocent little teddy bear, pls disabuse yourself of such misconceptions. Being a pacifist need not mean that you are meek. Anyone behind them with a slightly faster vehicle can easily get frustrated to suicidal levels. After all Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy produced much better results than Napolean's.

Blueline: This is a phenomenon only to be seen on Delhi's roads. It looks and sounds like a bus, but it is not. It is the Indian Advanced Weapons Program's best kept secret. It moves sweetly on the road, only to accelerate and hit a pedestrian or a cyclist at a moment's notice.
At an entrepreneurial level, the privately run bluelines can give even Bill Gates a run for his...bus fare. It is their promise of omnipresence that makes one truly believe in the omnipotent. The conductor can convince any ignorant passenger that the bus is going exactly to the passenger's intended destination (irrespective of the destination's locality, district state or country). In fact even our best in class politicians can take a leaf from these conductors' ticket-books in promising everything to everyone.

Speed limit: It is something mentioned on signages here and there. In entrepreneurial India, the opportunity to connect with the target consumer is well exploited by sticking these boards with posters of all shapes and sizes.

At a more spiritual level, the speed limit board is almost like a coconut tree. Every part of it is useful. Even at its roots itself it provides multi-functional facilities. It acts as a spitoon for humans and additionally provides general "lamp-postical" grade logistical support to the neighbourhood mongrel.

Two-wheelers - Fill a jar with large stones. You think it is full....you are wrong...Now fill it up with small stones...You think it is full....you are wrong....Now fill it up with sand....bingo....the great Indian Motorbike, Scooter, Moped, Cycle and their like leave their imprint on the sands of time on the Indian road....They complement the larger vehicles, where larger vehicles fear to tread, they boldy march - left, right, left, right, centre, diagnonal, zig, zag, wheelie

Music system: Discotheque on wheels....The music has to be specifically at a volume which can make it foot tapping for everyone...especially for the "DJ"...who normally taps his foot with rhythmic vigour on the accelerator.

Pedestrian: James Bond's next replacement displaying his talents on the road...dodge, jump over dividers, dash across - nothing is too dangerous for him....though most of these wannabes may attain the daredevilry of Commander Bond, they can never attain the panache....that is left to the calm composed, graceful road-crosser, unmindful of minor things like a truck driven like mad by a crazed soul....this chappie is not the one to be fluttered. He is adept at the "Who'll blink first game"...he can call anyone's bluff...He walks self assured, knowing fully well that the truck will zip past honking milimetres away from his backside providing him with much desired breeze on a hot summer afternoon or will screech to a halt milimetres away from his face, providing him with much needed shade on a hot summer afternoon.

Traffic police: These are ultra modern ALMs...What is an ALM? An ALM is an Automated Listener Machine....See, basically if an Automated Teller Machine "Tells"....these sophisticated uniformed contraptions work with the reverse philosophy....they only "Listen". They generally beg for...attention. Believe me - when you see an ALM....think only that - alm.

Overtake: The art of getting the one next to you to do a lifesaving- brake, so that you can grab what would have been his / her 3-dimensional pod a micro-second hence.

BMW:.....simple....Black Money Works...actually it almost did!!

Glossary end (those cynically inclined can read "rant" in place of "glossary)

It can be said, 4Jow, that compliance to law can not and must not be a function of the perceived risk of non-compliance or the quality of consequence thereof. Neither can it be a function of one's tendency to follow those around one....It can at best only be a function of one's perception of the justness of the law itself. In a democracy, since the scope for the latter is rather bleak, non-compliance has no excuses.